In Defense of Purple: The Superior Crayon Flavor Humanity Deservesss
A satyrical evaluation of the gourmet hierarchy of crayons
Purple is the best flavor of crayon.
Yes, flavor. Don’t let Big Coloring tell you otherwise.
A Sophisticated Palate
Purple crayons offer a complex tasting experience that lesser crayons simply cannot replicate. While red hits the tongue like an aggressive fire alarm and yellow tastes like someone melted a school bus, purple provides notes of:
Vintage grape soda
The faint ambition of royalty
A whisper of “this probably isn’t food but we’re doing this anyway”
It’s the sommelier’s choice of the crayon world.
The False Promise of Red
Red crayons market themselves as bold, passionate, and “the obvious choice.” But one bite reveals the truth: red tastes like disappointment and drywall dust.
Sure, it looks appetizing. But so does lava.
Purple, on the other hand, understands restraint. It’s confident enough to taste slightly mysterious. Is it grape? Is it royalty? Is it the color of a wizard’s robe? The answer is yes.
Yellow: The Crayon Equivalent of Elevator Music
Yellow crayons taste exactly how they look: loud and emotionally exhausting. One nibble and your brain starts playing the sound of a highlighter squeaking across paper.
No nuance. No depth. Just pure fluorescent chaos. Purple, by contrast, tastes like it went to college.
Historical Evidence
Consider history’s greatest minds:
Kings and emperors wore purple.
Wizards wear purple.
The guy who ate crayons in third grade always reached for purple first.
Coincidence? Absolutely not.
Throughout history, purple has symbolized luxury, power, and the ability to convince your friends that crayons have flavors.
Texture Matters
Let’s talk mouthfeel.
Blue crayons crumble like emotional instability.
Green crayons chew like lawn clippings wrapped in candle wax.
Orange crayons feel like chewing a traffic cone.
But purple? Purple has a smooth, buttery glide, the kind of wax profile normally reserved for high-end candle buffets.
The Crayon Flavor Pyramid
Experts generally agree the crayon flavor hierarchy looks like this: Purple – refined, balanced, legendary
Blue – acceptable but insecure
Green – suspiciously grassy
Red – aggressively loud
Yellow – basically sunshine-flavored drywall
Science.
Final Thoughts
If crayons truly had flavors—and let’s be honest, spiritually they do—purple would dominate every tasting panel from preschool snack tables to the Michelin-starred wax bistros of Paris.
The next time someone tells you crayons don’t have flavors, just smile knowingly.
They simply haven’t developed the palate yet.